EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: AGING TOOTH FAIRY POLICY CHANGES.
1.) When you have a loose tooth, you must be loud and proud about it. Secret wigglings or private extractions will no longer be recognized. If there is no public announcement in which a person of majority is present, it will not be recognized as a dental earning event.
2.) No longer will placing a lost tooth under your pillow be optimal. For best results, please tape the tooth in a baggie labeled in large letters and affix to the mirror above your mother’s bathroom sink. If this is not possible, please attach said tooth the handle of the coffee pot.
3.) There is no set amount or consistent rate per tooth. The Tooth Fairy may or may not have visited the ATM that night, so $20 may be the inflated price for one tooth and/or if she has change from her skinny mocha latte, expect $5 or less.
4.) It is entirely possible that the money I have left for you has fallen from beneath the pillow, off of the mattress and landed somewhere under your bed. But please do not look for yourself—have a parent come in and look for you. Wearing a bathrobe. With pockets.
5.) The Tooth Fairy is no longer relegated to nighttime hours. If there is a west coast game or a vampire marathon the night before, she may very well postpone her visit until you are at school.
6.) If you inadvertently find your tooth in the household trash after I’ve visited, please do not panic. I am currently participating in a recycling program, and your tooth may just wind up on a piano keyboard or as scrimshaw kitsch on the wall of a Red Lobster.
7.) All deposits must be made Monday-Thursday. This one’s out of my hands, kids. Something about FAA flight restrictions and international banking regulations.
8.) Again, due to pesky tax laws, I cannot enter into transactions across state lines.
9.) Or hotels. It’s a bedbug thing.
10.) Any attempts to signal my arrival or trap my person will render all contracts null and void. And I reserve the right to tack on months with your orthodontist when you’re 14.
11.) And finally, like you will sadly experience later in your life as well, the older I get, the more I look like your mother.
©2014 Tracey Henry
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