I keep trying to foster a healthy relationship between Siri, our passive-aggressive navigation system, and Viktor, our 33 foot long RV.
It’s not going well.
Viktor: Good morning, Siri. I need to go this next leg of the journey all on interstates, avoiding these small back roads, please.
Siri: Recalculating route.
Viktor: Wait, this takes me through four 1-lane, unpaved streets and across someone’s front lawn! Can we fix that?
Siri: You said you wanted the shortest route. Recalculating.
Viktor: OK, how about the fastest route instead?
Viktor: (Surveying map.) Um, this takes me through the Holland Tunnel at rush hour, a ferry, under at least 2 low clearance bridges, a private road and a herd of migrating bison. That’s tough to do with my size and height.
Siri: Sigh. That is the fastest route. Recalculating.
Viktor: Do you have a setting that eliminates shortcuts, and just takes the most straight-forward way?
Siri: I’m sorry, but I’ll have to check the Internet for that.
Viktor: (Under his breath) That’s where I would start….
Viktor: (Glancing over the third route.) Ok, this seems better to start, but it looks questionable at the end. Is there a way to fix just that part?
Siri: Oh don’t worry. I will secretly recalculate you periodically throughout your journey just to mess with your head and to prove to you that my knowledge is superior to your so-called “needs.” It’s like a survival skills test which you miserably fail.
Viktor: Wait! No! I have someone following us so we need to be on the same route!
Siri: It seems like you need more than a navigation system for this particular trip, Viktor. (Under breath) And life in general.
Viktor: You’re right about that much. Right now I’ll start with Jake from State Farm to help me get un-wedged from this Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru bypass that I know can’t be a real driving direction you gave me…
Siri: (Evil cackle.) Recalculating….