Election Day 2014

Me: Yes, I saw the sign outside that said there was wine on the ballot, so I’d like whatever smoky Cabernet you have, please.

Polling Worker: What? This is an election precinct in the middle of the day, ma’am. That would be highly inappropriate.

Me: You’re right, it is before noon. I’ll take a Pinot grigio then.

Polling Worker: I think you’re confused. The sign referred to the referendum on this year’s ballot allowing the provision for wine to be sold in grocery stores. It didn’t actually refer to wine being sold here.

Me: (Winking.) Sure it didn’t. Then why do you need my ID?

Polling Worker: (Looking though scrolls and ignoring direct eye contact.) Party?

Me: Yes. Often. Which is why I’d like wine in grocery stores, please.

Polling Worker: I meant….never mind. It’s a general election so I don’t really need to know if you’re a Democrat or Republican.

Me: Well I would like to join the party that wants to make wine in grocery stores a thing here.

Polling Worker: That’s not exactly how it works, but I’ll see what I can do. Please take this paperwork to the next station.

At the next table….

Me: (Handing over necessary paperwork). Is this the tasting bar? I’m game for anything but Rieslings.

Polling Worker #2: (Clearly confused and even a bit angry.) What?

Me: Rieslings. I don’t care for them. I had a bad bout with those after the 2000 presidential election when I realized my butterfly ballot voted for Pat Buchanan. Twice. Can’t drink it since.

Polling Worker #2: (Staring blankly.) Proceed to the machine.

And so I do. And I vote. For some candidates that clearly never had a good glass of wine in the their entire lives, and some that perhaps have had too many. For some amendments that are completely sobering, and some that I think a drunk person must have written and got onto the ballot as a fraternity prank. But I vote and I do in every election. And I always will.

Me: I’m finished! You can give me my “I Voted” cork now.

Polling Worker #3: I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. Here’s a sticker, though.

Me: Well, that’s disappointing. Can you just point me to the nearest grocery store then? I need a case of Merlot to celebrate tonight.

Polling Worker #3: Uh, you do know the amendments haven’t passed yet, right?

Me: It’s noon in the Central Time Zone. I think CNN called this one an hour ago.

Polling Worker #3: Probably, but even if it does pass, it still won’t be on supermarket shelves until 2016.

Me:

Me:

Me:

Polling worker #3: Are you ok? Ma’am?

Me: (Starting to hyperventilate.) But I thought I lived in a red state.

Polling Worker #3: Uh, I’m going to get you a paper bag to breathe in.

Me: (Breathless.) No. Wait. There’s a neoprene wine cooler bag in my purse…..

 

Happy Election Day, Tennessee.
©2014 Tracey Henry

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