How to lose weight, your mind and all close relationships

My husband and I just went through the most grueling, painful and literally fruitless experiment of our entire marriage: a no-carb diet.

Me: (Serving up a whole chicken on his plate.) I’ve made meat for dinner. Again.

Him: (Turning up his nose.) Darn. I had meat with a side of meat for lunch.

Me: Sounds eerily familiar to my breakfast.

Him: (Looking over all of the different animal proteins on his plate.) When do we get to eat something from a different aisle in the grocery store?

Me: This no carb phase is supposed to last 2 weeks, then you can start introducing fruit and nuts back into your diet.

Him: I might die of scurvy before then. I feel my teeth rotting at this very moment.

Me: Oh, I brush my teeth 10 times a day just so I can taste a little mint from the Colgate.

Him: (Sheepishly.) I’ve taken to stealing the kids’ Flintstone chewable vitamins to feel like I’m eating a fruit cup.

Me: Don’t ask why all the woodwork in the house is extra lemony-fresh. Or my tongue. Bon appetit!

Him: You mean non appetit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love a steak as much as the next guy, but it’d be nice to pair it with a potato instead of a hamburger.

Me: You’re forgetting all of those eggs you get to eat.

Him: (Mumbling.) My colon hasn’t forgotten….

Me: What was that, dear? I can’t hear you over my stomach grumbling.

Him: That’s the other problem—I’m hungry all of the time. I just can’t get full anymore. No sugar, no dairy, no fruit, no grains…I feel like a hyena except I’m not laughing.

Me: (Gnawing on a rib bone.) I know, I can’t help but wonder if my appendix is regenerating.

Him: Tell me again how this is supposed to be healthy?

Me: (Heaving sigh.) I’m not even sure anymore. The doctor who came up with this is dead.

Him: Of starvation or rickets?

Me: Probably murdered from someone like me who just wanted a damn piece of Wonder Bread.

(Finishing our plates but still ravenously hungry.)

Him: What’s for dessert?

Me: Tuna fish.

Him: (Completely defeated. And hungry.) Can you at last scoop it into a cone and put a cherry on top?

Me: Of course I can. (Opening the pungent can.) Just as soon as we reach Phase 2….

©2014 Tracey Henry


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