The rest of the tree story

Please read Part 1 of this sad story to fully grasp the significance of the attached report.

Nashville, TN–After an unclear series of tragic events, Leroy “Tree” Brown–family Christmas tree of Suburban Diva–took its own life in the early hours of December 3rd, sources confirm today.

While not described as “beloved,” (berated, beguiled and belittled perhaps) the tree was a short-lived resident of the Diva home. Neighbors say they assumed it had arrived the previous weekend when the family returned from an outing in a flurry of pine needles and some sort of flying insect mass. That was the last they heard from the family until authorities arrived Tuesday.

“They were always a strange family during the holidays,” said Gladys Kravitz, who owns the house next door. “Lots of tacky lights, inflatable Jesus’, that sort of thing. So we really didn’t think much when they moved in the White House Christmas Tree into their living room. The bug thing was odd, but for Easter last year they petitioned to dye the community pool red for a redneck-Moses to part the seas, so I just figured the plague of locusts were cast members to a live manger or something.” She added, “We really don’t question their odd holiday decorating habits anymore.”

Mrs. Kravitz went on to explain the events of that fateful night.

“Abner and I were dead asleep when all of a sudden we heard a tremendous crash followed by some foul language from next door. We ran outside and saw in their window the tree that was there just a few hours before had fallen and a few dozen woodland creatures were running out the front door. Mr. Diva was in his pajamas shouting something about that was the last time he bought a bleeping Christmas tree from a bleeping hippie hemp farm and that they were just lucky it didn’t fall in the other direction because it would have been a tragedy if his bleeping beer pallet Bethlehem diorama had broken. Mrs. Diva just said the only tragedy was his pajamas and poured herself another glass of wine. It was kind of a normal Tuesday night around there.”

The family could not be reached for comment.

Go home, Tree, you're drunk.
Go home, Tree, you’re drunk.

Authorities confirm that suicide was the apparent cause of death, but defensive wounds on Mrs. Diva, their children and dog were noted in the police report. The tree stand also met its demise in the incident, but has been exonerated. No charges are expected with the exception of a Visa bill for the purchase of a replacement tree, six strands of multi-colored lights, and a dozen or so new ornaments. Unfortunately, an autopsy was not performed before the wood chipper dealt with the remains. They were scattered in a bed of pansies on consecrated ground, property records show.

Private funeral services were already held in the driveway–a sort of “happy dance” and a ritualistic house cleansing performed by a shaman of unknown origin. A family spokesperson said in lieu of flowers, donations could be made to the Terminex trust fund and a nice bottle of Scotch for the Kravitz’.

©2013 Tracey Henry


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