By the Numbers

States visited–14
Miles traveled–4,285
Days on the road–20
Lost/Damaged Shoes–4
Cans of bear mace used–0
Diapers–78
Bags of ice–68
Collective hours of quality sleep–4.5
Car rentals–5
Number of times I called Louise by her real name–0
Quarters used for arcade and laundry–811
Campgrounds–7
Hotels–7
Cell phone data overages–36 GB
Times the door flew open while in motion–half dozen
Pizzas ordered–16 (but felt like 100)
S’mores consumed–144
Various road trip movie quotes heard/delivered–406
Fly traps bought and attempted–18
Diagnosed rashes–3
Undiagnosed–2
Blankies Fed-Exed to West Yellowstone from Cody, Wyoming–1
Summer reading assignments completed–a fraction of what was assigned
Temperature swing between destinations–60 degrees
Bandaids–62
Wine bottles bought in retail outlets–30-ish
Years Louise will have to live with her juice wine purchases–Eternity
Things we would change–0
Laughs–a million at least
Amazing and awe-inspiring sights–More than we dreamed
Memories made–Countless

19/20

After spending the morning shopping the Magnificent Mile, eating cheeseborgers, cheeseborgers, cheeseborgers (the real deal!) on Navy Pier, The Elite Eight came to the unanimous conclusion that we had done all we wanted to do, and it was time to go home. So we left Chicago, returned the rental car, pulled up stakes at the last campground, and boarded the fun bus one last time.

Thelma: You awake?
Louise: Guess you could call it that, my eyes are open.
Thelma: I’m awake too. I feel awake.
Louise: Good.
Thelma: I feel really awake. I don’t recall ever feeling this awake. You know? Everything looks different now. You feel like that? You feel like you got something to live for now?*
Louise: Drive for as long as you can–if you get tired you can always lay down in the back.
Thelma: You mean on the sheets with the bloody nose, exploded diaper and ground zero of the mystery rash?
Louise: That’d be the one.
Thelma: I think I’ll keep driving.**

Not exactly margaritas by the sea, but we made it to a Courtyard in Indianapolis.

*Actual original screenplay lines.
**Actual proposed sequel lines.

18

Today it was Thelma and Louise vs. Day 18.

Day 18 lulled us into a false sense of security during the long, smooth ride from Minneapolis across the green fields of Wisconsin on our way to our final destination of Chicago.

Day 18 gave us no traffic, clear roads and and beautiful weather as we made excellent time.

Day 18 was kind to us on gas and bathroom stops. She had the best radio stations to date.

Until late in the day across the Illinois state line.

Then she turned.

She started charging us ridiculous tolls every 10 feet. She switched up the descriptions of the campground to not provide a shuttle service to downtown as originally planned, but be 20 miles from the nearest train station and 55 from Miracle Mile. She needled the children for the first time all trip by not staying on her side nor keeping her hands to herself. She took the last of the diapers without telling anyone on the day in which that would be an issue. Then that minx of a day tried to make the slide on the RV malfunction and the battery need a reset.

Day 18 underestimated Thelma and Louise.

Just when Day 18 began her premature victory dance, our heroines rented a car–with seats!–so the night in Chicago would be saved. They crawled under the RV and did major mechanical work in record time. They drove like bosses through the countryside and tight city streets. (You should see Louise’s parking spot–epic.) And even when 18 closed the most famous deep dish pizza place in the city as we walked up tired and hungry due to a power outage, well, we went to the 2nd best a few blocks away and got a table for 8 in 5 minutes.

Did you really think that after a half dozen different campgrounds on this trip alone that you’d catch us flappable when the guy said our site was for 5 not 8? And that diaper thing–I bet you were counting on that for that to be a potty training moment in a Culver’s in rural Illinois.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DEALING WITH, DAY 18????*

If you need character references, I suggest you go back to your associates, Days 14 and 9. Meanwhile, you can just fade off into the sunset and we will meet 20 on Michigan Avenue tomorrow.**

(*This is by no means a challenge, Day 18. If there are any misunderstanding today, we apologize profusely and no need for you to seek revenge or a reappearance.)

(**Faithful Reader, if this seems like a lemons to lemonade post, you would be correct. Our version was in the form of a carafe of Italian Lemonade served at Gino’s East to accompany our deep dish.)

Day 17

Butch, Sundance and the three eldest members of our crew departed by air today from Minneapolis, leaving the band of adventurers to the Elite Eight.

Their departure also begins our final leg of this tour. As much of this country’s natural beauty and splendor that we have discovered and enjoyed these past 2 1/2 weeks, we will now attempt to explore the Urban Jungle on our way back home to Tennessee.

That expedition began today with a thorough exploration of the Mall of America. We learned about new species such as the adolescent mutated tortoises with an affinity for the martial arts. We saw sea sponges with pants and blue dogs at the Nickoledeon Universe; and dined with giant automated gorillas and elephants in the wild at the Rainforest Cafe.

Provisions are at a 2 week low as we try to make it home without salmonella after turning the refrigerator off and on so many times for battery concerns. Clean laundry is at a premium now; and all of our matching Mt. Fischmore Henrystone t-shirts are long past their prime so the only identifying marks to our tribe are the tattoos from the mystery rash and the pinkeye. Louise and I have resorted to ordering by the glass.

Tomorrow we scoop up what’s left of the kids after 37 times on the Brain Surge ride, and continue on to the next unfriendly hockey city, Chicago. There are some unique logistic challenges to this particular stretch in the RV, so I’d tell you to stay by your phones ready to accept a call for help, but we are so far over our data allowances for the month we can’t place an outgoing call until our billing cycles reset in August.

Which is probably when we will see home again at this rate.

Day 16

Today, Butch and Sundance decided to turn the tables on Louise and I, and tried to knock us off in their own subtle way.

As I’m sure you can decipher from our photos and posts, Louise and I spent a long time and invested a lot of thought and effort meticulously planning this trip. Doing so, we had planned on each leg averaging with a 6 hour drive, and then a day in between to take in the local sights.

After Butch and Sundance arrived, that kind of went out the window.

So our two busiest driving days were yesterday and today to split up 1000 miles while they were here to help shoulder the drive.

They apparently were not amused.

After 13 1/2 hours in the RV yesterday, we arrived to the hotel after bistro hours–whatever that even means–so we had to get pizza in the lobby without the FULL BAR their website clearly stated would accommodate us. The next morning, same said sketchy bistro served up fictious breakfasts, so we started the day hungry. And sober.

So moving along the highway, they cozied up in the comfy front seats while Louise and I maneuvered through the mass of children and all their wants and needs. Five hours in, we asked about lunch which was quickly answered with, “Fargo. We’ll stop in Fargo.”

Fargo came and Fargo went. No lunch.

Exit after exit, they found fault and as we passed around a cut up Funyon between a dozen people they said, “When we do stop, I think it should be light–like a hummus plate or something.”

Hummus.

Now I like a good crudite platter as much as the next guy, but adulting in the back seat of camper with 9 kids and 4 controllers to the gaming system burns more calories than a couple of celery stalks. The children were so hungry they were foraging between the couch cushions, which is not a healthy practice on Day 16. They began peeling the Bananagrams for sustenance. They brushed their teeth extra long just for some sparkle berry juice residue.

Butch and Sundance were unmoved by our plight.

Hours later after two fainting spells and a massive orange juice spill which rendered us completely foodless–they relented and let us go through a McDonalds to the unsatisfaction of all.

But retribution would soon be ours in three simple, yet totally terrifying words to a Dad.

Mall of America.

Bet that Fargo Panera doesn’t look that far off the Interstate now, does it, boys?

Day 15. Keepin’ it real

Day 15

We piled the 13 of us back into the RV this morning while it was still dark. It instantly felt like being snatched from the bosom of our West Yellowstone sanctuary and hurdled onto the harsh Interstate abyss.

I can describe what reentry is like to you only in the following 2-word phrases. That’s all we’re capable of now.

“422 miles.”

“Road construction.”

“Loose gravel.”

“Cracker Barrel.”

“A/C’s out.”

“Chicken pox?”

“No generator.”

“Needs oil.”

“I’ll drive!”

“No burping.”

“No spilling.”

“No fighting.”

“Personal space.”

“Where’s Louise?”

“Pokemon No.”

“Overage data.”

“Summer reading.”

“Bathroom, again????”

“Bismarck, ND.”

Hotel tonight better have a full bar and free Wifi.

“Just sayin’.”

Days something through 14–Yellowstone

We have just spent the last four days in one of the most beautiful places on the planet.

We have discovered and explored Yellowstone with more than a little help from our new friends of cabin staff, guides and locals. We saw the icons—Old Faithful erupted right at 5:38 as we dined at the Old Faithful Inn. We ate dinner at the Roosevelt Lodge where Teddy would stay, and we went to many different waterfalls and formations that I’d never even heard of. We saw hundreds of elk and bison; and even caught a glimpse of a lone coyote prowling through a meadow at sunset. We fished for trout in Lake Yellowstone (caught three but had to throw them back because they were cutthroats) and smelled the hot springs before we saw them bubbling away in a field or the side of a mountain. We saw colors I didn’t know existed including water so clear you could see the bottom of the river bed from yards offshore and crossed the continental divide several times. It was spectacular, but at the same time it was also the most natural thing in the entire world.

The kids learned what a huckleberry tastes like, what a bison chip feels like when you step in it, and how good a sandwich can taste when eaten on a picnic table outside. We saw the first National Park at sunrise and at sunset; and I bet no one could decide which is more grandiose.

One night on our way out of the park, we experienced a power outage that ran from Idaho Falls up to Bozeman. The town of West Yellowstone was without electricity for several hours, but you couldn’t tell because it stays so light for so late. We had s’mores for dinner (again) until the nice folks at the hotel came by with grilled burgers. We didn’t even notice or care when power was eventually restored later that night.

All told, I think we looked up, out, in and around way more than we looked down at a screen.

And that was perhaps the most beautiful sight of all.

Day 12–Wolves, Bears and Marshmallows, Oh My!

I know I’m behind on posting for a couple of days, but when your breath has been taken away so often, sometimes you need a minute to catch it.

We arrived in West Yellowstone on Monday to an oasis we didn’t know we needed. Right away we went to the Grizzly & Wolf Discovery Center for a behind the scenes tour of the work they do to care for animals that can’t be returned to the wild. We actually got to hide food for the bears in their habitat, then watch (from a safe distance) as they went out and found it. Sort of playing Hide and Go Seek with bears who can’t rip your face off. A win-win.

After that truly fascinating visit, we were whisked away (across the street) to the Explorer Cabins at West Yellowstone where clean the most friendly, accommodating staff awaited us with a built fire and S’mores. We went to dinner on a ranch nearby, and I don’t know if we’ve ever been happier to sleep in clean sheets that didn’t move along an interstate in our lives.

The wolves sang us to sleep in the light of almost full moon.

They seemed to be calling, “Loooouuuiissseee….the bears found the wine you tried to hide in there….they buried it after they read the label….yoooouuuuu’rrree welllccooome….”

Day 10–Greetings from the Planet Wyoming

Captain’s Log, Stardate: 10.11 (I’ve lost track)

We have arrived on the planet Wyoming, and I won’t lie—it is a much friendlier people than our last universe.

The youngest of a crew needed some medical attention today for an ear infection after enjoying a day at the native amusement; a waterpark at the Fairfield Inn. So we made a detour into the Cody, Wyoming hospital before camping in one of the prettiest landings yet.

It’s actually kind of surprising that an ER visit only took 10 days to occur as our crew is battling numerous ailments at this point. Ear infections, stomachaches from a diet of Dr. Pepper and marshmallows, mystery rashes and I’m sure we are mere hours away from a rampant pink eye epidemic.

I don’t know how much baby George will remember of this journey, but we must all make a vow to maintain the legend that he once went to the ER in Cody for something truly epic—like a rodeo injury or snake bite—and we’ll just keep the whole amoxicillin thing to ourselves.

This state’s terrain is absolutely breathtaking; and it seemed that around every bend it changed into something more spectacular. The road to Yellowstone is an awe-inspiring tease for what’s to come here on the USS Spentourlives.

Days 8 and 9—Together in Mt. Rushmore and Deadwood

Upon picking up our last passenger from the Rapid City airport, our baker’s dozen of adventurers is now complete.

Our crew of thirteen in matching T-shirts made for an inconspicuous entrance into Mount Rushmore, which was our destination for the day. But we’re not really going for subtlety when we ask strangers to take our picture, so it was all good. Until Deadwood.

Deadwood.

Deadwood…Deadwood.

What can I say about Deadwood?

The signs that things were just a bit off were evident when we pulled into the campground and Sean immediately purchased the neighboring sites around us so we wouldn’t hit the RV next to us when we opened a window. The amenities weren’t exactly what were advertised on the website, but we got a bonus visit from a mountain lion in the middle of the night so I suppose we’re square there.

After a rather sleepless night dodging local wildlife, we thought a day in the old western town would be fun.

It was not.

Deadwood is weird. It’s not Gatlinburg-esque in its corny, touristy and fun way. It’s not completely authentic even in its strange street reenactments of murders of old cowboys. It’s seedy. And not friendly. And a bit NC-17. And everyone seems to be drunk. Including the public trolley car driver who regards the schedule, designated stops and traffic laws as mere suggestions. And not even fun drunk on Louise’s white wine but an angry drunk on stale beer and whiskey from label-less bottles. You kind of fear for your life at all times and really hope you don’t die there so they don’t reenact your demise one day in the front of a Hampton Inn. You feel like everyone in town wants to stab you but not in the surly old cowboy way that can reach a resolution of mutual respect over a good poker hand and a shot; but more like the being on several FBI watch lists kind of stabbing in broad daylight over an imagined slight on Facebook or offense taken over a tacky T-shirt.

And the only gambling we did was which communicable disease we’d contract from the public restrooms.

We promised the kids that if we didn’t die by food poisoning from the inordinate number of All You Can Eat Crab places or the poison candy offered by the toothless woman at the bus stop, we would pull up stakes and head west a day early.

It was the fastest camp break down to date.

Good night from Gillette, Wyoming.