Wrapping Up 2016 In HOA Violation Notices

January 30, 2016

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Diva,

While we all have enjoyed your “Hillbilly Holiday” display, we respectfully request you remove the remnants of it as soon as possible. We have received a number of complaints that many of your inflatable yard decorations have “flown” into other homeowner’s yards, trees, and, in one tragic instance, a pool filter, outdoor fire pit and an angry wasps’ nest. Also, your extensive use of laser light cannons may have been altered to supersede residential uses and we have been notified by the FAA and NASA to cease and desist.

February 19th

Dear Residents,

Please be advised that due to the recent inclement weather, driving conditions in the neighborhood can be hazardous. Curiously, there is a particularly dangerous stretch on a portion of one of our side streets in which the ice is almost deliberately thicker than anywhere else and there seems to be blue and red lines spray painted on with a face-off circle.

Use extreme caution when driving past this particular house.

March 17, 2016

To the party that put the green dye in the neighborhood pond, please know we are actively investigating and will fine the guilty homeowner accordingly. Our resident water fowl, Ron Swanson, will require extensive cleaning for his stained feathers.

And to clarify, we house a neighborhood swan, not any “long-necked geese.”

April 19, 2016

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Diva,

Congratulations on the purchase of your new (or rather used-looking) R.V. This is just a friendly reminder that according to HOA rules, campers may be parked in your driveway for a maximum of 24 hours. We currently have you calculated at 52 days.

5/20/2016

Happy Summer, Neighbors! We are happy to announce that the community pool is now open for your use. And as a friendly reminder, we’d like you all to re-familiarize yourself with the rules and regulations found in the Covenants. Of particular note is the proper attire for the pool, and that floating coolers and poker tables are not permitted at any time—even during Adult Swim.

And we don’t have Adult Swim.

July 1st, 2016

Please note your 3rd quarter dues are now due. The increase in this month’s amount is for the rental of the construction equipment needed for the removal of several holiday inflatables that became aloft during last month’s storms and became entangled in the lights on the tennis courts. We had to enlist veterinary professional help to remove the Larry the Cable Guy on a 4-wheeler sleigh from Ron Swanson’s nest.

We are still researching veterinary psychologists for his possible continuing care.

8/25/16

Please be advised that the power outage we experienced earlier has been remedied. Apparently, the transformer blew after a surge resulting from powering several commercial daiquiri machines and outdoor speakers from a resident’s back yard.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

October 10, 2016

As you begin to decorate for Halloween, the Board would like to remind you to keep your decor tasteful and safe. This includes the use of open flames lining sidewalks, real concrete tombstones jutting out of lawns, and by all means, decapitated mannequins in the hedgerows are all ill-advised. Our regular mail carrier is still on disability leave as a result from last year’s incident.

November 2016

As a reminder during election season: Please note that there are no yard signs of any kind permitted in the neighborhood. This includes political signs supporting any candidate, mascots for sports teams or adult beverage choices.

December 1, 2016

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Diva,

We have noticed your annual holiday decorations are being erected. While we appreciate the limited use of inflatable decorations this year, the live nativity may also be in violation of HOA covenants. All residents are limited to only two (2) pets per property, and the reindeer—although festive—are not covered under the clause.

And while we have no evidence of the responsible party, we hope that you possess no knowledge as to whom tied the 6 inflatable swans behind Ron Swanson in a conga line in the neighborhood pond with “7 SWANS A SWIMMING” emblazoned on the plastic birds.

Happy New Year, everyone! Let’s make some trouble together.

©2017 Tracey Henry