This is the last transcript between Siri and me before she met her untimely demise.<\/p>\n
Me:<\/b> Siri, please give me a list of kayak rentals in the Gulf of Mexico.<\/p>\n
Siri:<\/strong> Of course, Gorgeous. I have found three locations very close to you.<\/p>\n 2 hours later.<\/i><\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Siri, weather report for Cape Haze, Florida.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Looks gorgeous, Gorgeous.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> You\u2019re really helpful today. I may just buy you an Otterbox as a little present. I might even forgive you for trying to kill me with your piss-poor driving directions to get here.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Can you repeat that, I didn\u2019t quite catch that, Gorgeous.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Never mind. Call me, \u201cIsmael.\u201d<\/p>\n 30 minutes later along the peaceful bay. <\/i><\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Ismael, a manatee can weigh up to 3500 pounds.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Ismael, here are 10 recipes for pecan-encrusted snook I found on the web.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Ishmael, I have texted your message, \u201cFire up the blender,\u201d to your husband.<\/p>\n 42 minutes later.<\/em><\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Siri, what is a \u201cblack mangrove?\u201d<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Siri, can you pinpoint an alternative route to \u201cHidden Lake\u201d other than this ominous-looking swamp path?<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Siri, look up, \u201cblack mangrove+things that can kill me.\u201d<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Siri, call me, \u201cIndiana Effing Jones.\u201d<\/p>\n 2.5 minutes later. <\/em><\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Indiana Effing Jones, here is an image of the \u201cBlack mangrove crab.\u201d I did not find any results for \u201csuper spider tarantula looking monsters or some shit like that.\u201d<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> I have texted your message, \u201cAAAAARRGGGGG! OMG! OMG!\u201d to your husband, Indiana Effing Jones.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> I\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t understand, \u201cWTF?\u201d Would you like me to do a web search for you?<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Are you crying, Indiana Effing Jones?<\/p>\n 30 seconds later\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Breathless.<\/i> Siri, look up \u201cair rescues from black mangroves of death.\u201d And call me, Goddamn Harry Potter.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> I found no such results. Do you want me to post that last picture to Instagram?<\/p>\n Me: <\/strong>The one of me crying in front of that black widow\/Loch Ness nest? No thanks. My hand was shaking too hard to be in focus anyway.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Goddamn Harry Potter, don\u2019t you think you\u2019re over-reacting? They are non-poisonous sea crabs 2 centimeters in diameter.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Your measurement app is broken\u2014they\u2019re freaking gigantic monsters of death. Besides, I didn\u2019t ask for your opinion, so hush. They\u2019ll hear you and I think I see daylight up there from this terror tunnel.<\/p>\n Siri:<\/strong> Goddamn Harry Potter, would you like for me to check in on Foursquare to \u201cThe 10th Circle of Hell?\u201d<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> No, I want you to give me instructions on what do if your kayak capsizes. And call me Peter Parker.<\/p>\n At this moment, the billions of terrifying arachnid crustaceans begin to descend in what I can only assume as an unprovoked attack. Oars are flying, screams are heard clear down to the Keys, and one yellow kayak and all its passengers and cargo flip over in the brackish mangrove water.<\/p>\n Including one iPhone housing the irrepressible Siri protected only by a flimsy and ill-zipped sandwich bag.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> NOOOOOOO!!!!<\/p>\n I retrieve her from the bottom of the sea. The baggie is no defense against saltwater, giant spider crab monsters, and feet stomping all over her trying to get the icky off. She sputters. She reboots. Her flash is on and won\u2019t shut off, like an eternal wink. <\/p>\n We make our way out of the nightmare cove of doom, but no one speaks. We\u2019ve all been changed by the horror. When we finally make it to the dock, Siri\u2019s light remains on, but it is clear she has little left. Her speaker has been submerged, but I hear a faint crackle.<\/p>\n I press my ear closer, trying to decipher her last words.<\/p>\n First Mate:<\/strong> What did she say?<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> It was either, \u201cOpen the pod doors, Hal,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve found the door to hell.\u201d<\/p>\n We nod. Remove our caps and have a moment of silence. I look at the water-logged screen one last time.<\/p>\n Me:<\/strong> Either way, she just gave me the wrong directions to the Apple Store and liked The Deadliest Catch<\/i> Facebook page.<\/p>\n R.I.P Siri. Had I known the OtterBox literally protected you from otters and other water creatures, I would have invested in one sooner.<\/p>\n \u00a92014 Tracey Henry<\/p>\n <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This is the last transcript between Siri and me before she met her untimely demise. Me: Siri, please give me a list of kayak rentals in the Gulf of Mexico. Siri: Of course, Gorgeous. I have found three locations very close to you. 2 hours later. Me: Siri, weather report for Cape Haze, Florida. Siri: […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3NIOM-9q","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":855,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2018\/07\/16\/siri-vs-viktor\/","url_meta":{"origin":584,"position":0},"title":"Siri Vs. Viktor","date":"July 16, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"I keep trying to foster a healthy relationship between Siri, our passive-aggressive navigation system, and Viktor, our 33 foot long RV. It's not going well. Viktor: Good morning, Siri. I need to go this next leg of the journey all on interstates, avoiding these small back roads, please. Siri: Recalculating\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":917,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2020\/09\/16\/july\/","url_meta":{"origin":584,"position":1},"title":"July","date":"September 16, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Dumb Things I Say Now: \"Is orange tongue a symptom of Covid or am I eating way too many Emergen-C tablets?\" \"What song did you sing while washing your hands? If it isn't 'Alice's Restaurant,' get back in there.\" \"Does Publix have toilet paper? Paper Towel? Clorox wipes? My old\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":878,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2019\/07\/06\/but-its-a-fun-cult\/","url_meta":{"origin":584,"position":2},"title":"But it’s a fun cult","date":"July 6, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"As a high-ranking member of the logistics committee, I recognize that when all 15 of us descend on a location in our uniforms of matching T-shirts, crazy hair and road-weariness, it takes a few minutes for onlookers to figure out exactly what or whom they're seeing. Is it a poorly-run\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 1 comment","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":134,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2013\/07\/29\/southernhomeownerprobz\/","url_meta":{"origin":584,"position":3},"title":"#SouthernHomeownerProbz","date":"July 29, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Although we have settled in nicely into our new home, there are still a couple of aspects of Southern life that I have yet to get used to. Oh, I\u2019ve mastered yelling \u201cUNSWEET\u201d quickly after I order my iced tea. I\u2019ve figured out what a Meat and Three is and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Lunch Combination Special : column and recipe"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":711,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2016\/07\/25\/day-17\/","url_meta":{"origin":584,"position":4},"title":"Day 17","date":"July 25, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Butch, Sundance and the three eldest members of our crew departed by air today from Minneapolis, leaving the band of adventurers to the Elite Eight. Their departure also begins our final leg of this tour. As much of this country's natural beauty and splendor that we have discovered and enjoyed\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":371,"url":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/2014\/02\/12\/cookie-mom-tour-ii\/","url_meta":{"origin":584,"position":5},"title":"Cookie Mom: Tour II","date":"February 12, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cPerhaps it was because I had never been a Girl Scout. I guess we couldn\u2019t afford the fancy Brownie uniform so my mom enrolled us into the lesser-known, knock-off Campfire Girls. Instead of selling the famous cookie, our fundraiser came in the form of kindling and matches. It wasn\u2019t nearly\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Column"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/584"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=584"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/584\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":590,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/584\/revisions\/590"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=584"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=584"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.suburbandiva.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=584"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}