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| | Exalting everyday ridiculousness | |
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| | Fake grilling tips |
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| | On Memorial Day, I gave you a list of real grilling tips for your holiday dining pleasure. For the Fourth of July, here are some fake grilling tips for my twisted pleasure.
1. Every home cookout should start with an overly-complicated recipe involving scores of rare ingredients that have no business anywhere near a cooking method that involves an open flame and a wide grate. So be sure to look for recipes that feature frozen whole turkeys, baby peas, and ice cream sandwiches.
2. After you realize how ridiculous this is and Publix is out of fresh threads for grilled saffron kebobs, settle for burgers and dogs instead.
3. If you are still determined to elevate your menu, request that your husband set the grill to “low and slow.”
4. Repeat yourself when he cocks his head to one side quizzically like a puppy as he grabs the 5-gallon drum of lighter fluid.
5. Remind your husband you have a gas grill.
6. When he leaves to look for his “I bring nothing to the table” apron, place the burgers carefully on the cooking surface, in between the leftover steak pieces from Memorial Day.
7. You can avoid grill flare-ups by wiping off any excess marinade before grilling. Or you can just crank the flames up and scorch off any possible residue.
8. Experts advise not to overturn the meat or it will lose its natural juices. Much like childbirth or finding a store at the mall, not flipping a grilled piece of meat 400 times is a physical impossibility for a man. Compensate hockey puck-like burgers with extra ketchup after watching your dinner perform aerial feats rivaling the Blue Angels.
9. The optimal temperature for beef is 140 degrees. At this point in the cooking process, Mercury has a lower core temperature than your hot dogs. Remove from heat.
10. To add a little spice to hamburgers, many cookbooks suggest topping with exciting ingredients like grilled pineapple slices or a homemade salsa. If none of these are on hand, husband will substitute potato chips and expired “Lucifer’s Mouthwash” hot sauce from an old gift basket from four Christmases ago.
11. If all has gone according plan, there shouldn’t be any leftovers, but your husband will probably be able to light the illegal fireworks that are hidden in his trunk on every exhale.
Bon appétit and Happy Independence Day.
©2010 Tracey Henry
Divamail me your tips! |
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