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Suburban Diva ®

Exalting everyday ridiculousness
 
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 Health Nut
 

It’s six o’clock in the morning and my husband and I greet the day together enjoying some of the many new healthy lifestyle changes I’ve recently implemented in our household.


Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: Making peanut butter sandwiches for the kids’ lunches, why do you ask?

Husband: Because you’re stirring something, and the last time I checked stirring wasn’t an action associated with sandwich making.

Me: Well, I’m stirring the peanut butter because it’s natural, and you have to do that with natural peanut butter.

Husband: So every time I want a peanut butter sandwich I’m going to have to take it from the cupboard and stir it?

Me: No, you’re going to have to take it from the refrigerator because you can’t store natural peanut butter in the pantry. I’ll keep it right next to the organic jam.

Husband: (Pouring himself another cup of coffee.) Don’t you think you’re taking this healthy eating thing a bit far? And why is the sugar brown?

Me: No, and because it’s raw sugar, silly. It’s supposed to be brown. If you prefer, there’s agave syrup to sweeten your coffee instead.

Husband: I don’t even want to know what that is. (Rifling through cupboard.) But where’s the maple syrup? Need some for these whole-wheat gluten-free pancakes you made.

Me: Oh, that’s in the fridge, too. Mrs. Butterworth and I no longer hang--there’s a bottle of pure maple syrup imported from Canada in the door. Use only what you need though, that 4 ounce bottle cost $8.99.

Husband: (Choking.) How much??

Me: Considerably less than all of the high-fructose corn trees that died for the other stuff.

Husband: What? You’re not even making sense now. Spending a whole lot of money, but definitely not making sense. What are doing now?

Me: (Pressing cookie cutters.) Just making the kids’ “Soy-reo’s” for their lunches. The filling is tofu and the outside I made from black sesame seed crisps.

Husband: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Me: Oh, are you feeling nauseous? Drink some of this hot organic ginger-tea, it will help. It’s cage-free.

Husband: I’ll pass. Just pass me the milk for my coffee. You made me go to that skim crap years ago, so I think I’m safe there, right? (When milk is not forthcoming.) RIGHT??!!

Me: Honey, it’s only because I love you that I think you need more plant-based proteins in your diet. Try the new soy milk, you’ll love it.

Husband: I may not have a degree in agriculture, but I know milk does not come from a bean. It comes from a cow, and I would like some of that for my coffee, please.

Me: Yes, but your large intestine does not. Your colon will thank me someday. Or maybe your spleen? I may be confused, there’s a lot of information to digest.

Husband: That’s one thing in this house that can be....

Me: What was that, dear?

Husband: I said, you are insane.

Me: No, I’m taking fish oil supplements for that.

Husband: (Leaving kitchen.) I’m going to take a shower.

Me: Ok, but watch out for the sustainable rainbow trout tank in the bathtub...


©2010 Tracey Henry

Divamail me!

You had me until Soy-reos!! Good luck!
Posted by Anonymous, 04/19/10, 11:13am
I guess I should'nt send your oldest any contraband PB&J sandwiches anymore, huh?
MP
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Funny! We would spend a fortune on maple syrup in our house!
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