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 Decking the Halls at SubDiva's House
 


I would like to share a holiday tradition with you from the Diva household. Tradition, in only that it is a conversation that occurs every year without fail the first week of December.


SD: Honey, would you mind going up into the attic and retrieving the Christmas decorations, please?

SDH: (SD's husband) Huge sigh, followed by eye roll. Sure, darling. (Doesn't move.)


SD: Sweet pleading. When do you think you'll be able to put up the lights?


SDH: Yeah, about that...I was thinking of a minimalist theme this year.

SD: Completely dismissing the above line. That's one way to go, but I think if you just take a look at the schematics I've come up with, you may appreciate this year's, "Christmas on the High Seas," motif.

SDH: Avoiding eye contact with the easel. Sounds ambitiously nautical, but I can't get started right now anyway, I need some electrical supplies at the store.

SD: Not falling for this delay tactic for a minute. Great! I was just about to go out. What do you need? Some extra bulbs? An extension cord?

SDH: Faking accommodativeness. I really need to go myself. I need an extension ladder to really do the job right.

SD: I got you one for Christmas last year, remember?

SDH: Oh yeah. Desperately searching for another excuse. I don't know if I quite have enough "turquoise" strands--only light blue--to accomplish the stormy waters effect you want by the garage.

SD: That's OK, use the light blue. It's artistic expression.

SDH: Going for the Liberal jugular. Do you really think using all of that extra energy is good for the environment, SD? I mean, what lessons are we teaching our children if we deplete natural resources just for holiday folly?

SD: I don't care if you rig those lights on a windmill or reindeer-powered treadmill--just get them up. Please?

SDH: Sigh. I'm fairly certain your Sierra Club membership will be revoked if they somehow get wind of this deplorable act of malfeasance. (Returns attention to Sportscenter.)

SD: Trying a new strategy. Mr. Kravitz got his decorations up Thanksgiving night I think. It looks good over there--I think the snow machine is a bit much, but it might be enough to win the neighborhood contest.

SDH: Peering out window.I noticed his "snow" is only soap flakes--I may turn a hose on it and watch his yard lather up. (Pause.) I was thinking of renting a cherry picker this year to get the lights up in the really tall trees. That will get the attention of the judges.

SD: I bet you could get our Christmas Star as high as the actual one in one of those.

Nervous throat clearing and foot-shuffling from SDH. Brow begins to glisten.

SD: Slowly realizing and smirking. You did it again, didn't you?

SDH: Incredulous. What?! I resent the implication!!

SD: You threw out all of the lights when you took them down last year, didn't you? You ripped them down like Tarzan and they were all broken anyway so why heave 6 extra boxes of broken lights up into the attic again where there are at least 20 already knowing full well that I would never, ever go up there to discover your dirty little secret? Why, Anne Frank is probably parading around in my wedding dress, and I'd never know.


SDH: Hopefully. I'll allow you the same indulgence if you don't feel like un-trimming the tree before we throw it out this year.


SD: No deal, Electric Cowboy. Lowe's closes at 11 tonight, if you hurry, you can still make it.


SDH: Putting on jacket. I wonder if they give contractor discounts on sheer wattage...

©2004 Tracey Henry

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