In honor of April Fool's Day, I would like to recognize the biggest modern prankster of them all--Google.

I say this because I am convinced the Google folks have a bizarre sense of humor or the computer codes have mutated into some goofy cyber algorithm that leads desperate web surfers to my blog just to confuse them with irrelevancy.

I am referring to my website's statistic counter which tells me what keywords visitors use to find me, but please don't fear, it doesn't tell me who those crazy people are.

For example, to the guy looking for "allegra hotel zurich suck," welcome Swiss lodging malcontent. I'm not sure if I'll be of any assistance since I cannot recall ever arranging these particular words anywhere near each other in a sentence, but perhaps you'll find something else of interest.

So in honor of the impish search engine, I will list David Letterman-style my Top 10 Examples of Google Gone Wild. (And just by typing those three words, I am ensured enough future material to make this an annual event.)

10.) Pageant captain cruise outfit --Who listed my closet contents on eBay?

9.) Blackberry pregnancy test --I don't even want to know if this truly exists, and why on earth Google would lead you here. Please seek medical help.

8.) Water retention in my thighs --I didn't think anyone would notice if I ate an entire slab of bacon this morning.

7.) Women should chase me --Not if you find yourself regularly using these search words.

6.) Chester Cheeto --Great, my cyber-legacy includes a cartoon that sells cheese puffs.

5.) Words substitute for diva --Not "Chester Cheeto" I assure you. (it's not easy being cheesy.)

4.) I keep all i can call my own in the bags beneath my eyes--Did someone read my tombstone epitaph request?

3.)Why do fluorescent lights make you look fat --A question I have been pondering for years. Please email me the answer when you find it.

2.) Baby pork shank pictures --I certainly hope this refers to a recipe and not a caption in a family photo album.

1.) Are the banks closed on groundhogs day? --Ironically, this was searched for over and over again. (You'll get it in a minute).

My apologies (or condolences) to those fruitless searchers, victims of the Google pranks--it can be a cruel world wide web.

(And to all of those other, ahem, less family-friendly Googles? Might I suggest your next searches include the keywords, "In desperate need of professional help.")

©2009 Tracey Henry

Divamail me your keywords! Divamail@Suburbandiva.com.