|
|
| | Exalting everyday ridiculousness | |
|
|
|
| | Forecast for Bathing Suit Season: Hungry |
|
| |
I looked at the calendar recently and realized that although summer was still a ways off, it was time to make reservations for our annual beach vacation.
Then I consulted my caloric calendar, and realized, "OMG! I just booked a vacation at a beach! Bathing suit season is only a few weeks away! That is right around the corner!"
Those of you with y-chromosomes are doing the math and calculating that sixteen weeks is plenty of time to tone up for summer in a healthy, responsible manner. I say to you, Pardon me, Sir, but you are an idiot. Women know that it just doesn't work that way.
My sisters will know doubt understand that the collective damage on one's thighs after a season of turkey, Christmas cookies, Super Bowl guacamole, Valentine's Day chocolates and Mardi Gras libations will not disappear in mere months under normal circumstances. If I was planning to fit into my 2012 Inauguration gown, I may have time if I started now, but the upcoming swimsuit season? You have got to be kidding.
No, we're past the point of healthy weight loss measures--we are in full-blown panic mode. No over the counter pansy remedies--it would be like taking a baby aspirin after open-heart surgery or popping a Sudafed to ward off the Black Plague. Underpowered and ineffective in the face of a Fat Tuesday paczki.
We can no longer rely on anything FDA approved. Perhaps MLB ignored, but not FDA approved. We need products with outrageous claims sold only on late-night infomercials or in Google text ads.
It's crunch time, and by "crunch" I don't refer to a delicious candy bar, but rather a half of a rice cake sprinkled with Hoodia. We need a particularly aggressive case of food poisoning immediately followed by a 2400-hour stomach virus.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. The next victims of the recession have to be the ice cream sandwich and lard industries. We're talking Sara Lee and Chester Cheeto convicted in a Ponzi scheme. We need Toll House to be foreclosed upon. The Dow needs to close below eight. Size eight.
Okay, maybe I'm talking crazy (Fen-phen will do that to you). I have plenty of time to go legit. No fad diets--3 and a half months is more than sufficient to eat right, drink lots of water and exercise regularly.
And it also leaves just enough time for standard shipping rates from some of those misspelled Canadian pharmacies in my spam folder...
©2009 Tracey Henry
Divamail me! |
  |
 | SubDiva looks great in a bathing suit. That's coming from her Mother-in-law of the "I have to watch the super bowl with my MIL" column, so ya know I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
| | What a MIL! Mine tried to stab me twice before we sent her to the home.
Posted by Bill, 02/13/09, 06:51pm | | Hi, I wish for to subscribe for this weblog to obtain latest updates, therefore where can i do it please help.
| | I think this is among the most vital information for me. And i'm glad reading your article. But wanna remark on some general things, The website style is perfect, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers
| | I love your site~~your blog~~with so many beautiful and amazing pictures in your page~~~you know the point is that your stylish writing is helpful ~
| | White cloud never promise the sky where and when she will go, but she will be accompanied by your side morning and evening. Star never promise the night to bring him a light, but he is hard to twinkle; The Scenery never says to eye to be forever, but always been beautiful;
| | I really like and appreciate your article post.Thanks Again. Great.
ugg bailey button triplet sale http://www.buyuggscheap.org/ugg-bailey-button-triplet-1873-c-6.html
Posted by Anonymous, 10/15/12, 06:55pm | | I really like and appreciate your article post.Thanks Again. Great.
airjordan6-7.com http://www.airjordan6-7.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 10/16/12, 04:05pm | | Really appreciate you sharing this blog.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome.
url http://www.uggclassicsbootsinstock.com
Posted by Anonymous, 10/17/12, 04:32am | | I like what you guys are up to. Such clever work and reporting! Keep up the excellent works guys. I
jordan 5 fire red http://www.ajordan5firered.com
Posted by Anonymous, 10/17/12, 10:33am | | I really like and appreciate your article post.Thanks Again. Great.
www.authenticlouisvuittonsoutlet.net http://www.authenticlouisvuittonsoutlet.net/
Posted by Anonymous, 10/18/12, 11:55am | | My New-found trx method Work Even If You Go to bed!.
new jordans http://www.airjordan6-7.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 10/24/12, 04:51am | | A big thank you for your post.Really thank you! Will read on...
wherecanigetairjordans.com http://www.wherecanigetairjordans.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 10/25/12, 10:44am | | A new most terrible strategy to neglect individual could be being seated proper alongside these people recognizing you can actually‘g encourage them.
louis vuitton diaper bag http://www.louisvuittonoutletdiaperbag.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 10/27/12, 07:50pm | | Adding this to twitter great info.
retro jordan http://authenticretrojordans.webnode.fr/
Posted by Anonymous, 11/13/12, 01:09pm | | Howdy. Very nice site!! Guy .. Excellent .. Wonderful .. I will bookmark your web site and take the feeds also¡I am glad to locate so much useful information here in the post. Thank you for sharing.
charles barkley shoes http://charlesbarkleyshoes.webnode.com
Posted by Anonymous, 12/26/12, 01:53pm | | Adding this to twitter great info.
moncler outlet http://www.2013moncleroutletsale.com
Posted by Anonymous, 01/04/13, 12:57pm | | Hey dude. what kind of wordpress theme are you using? i want it to use on my blog too .
supra skytop http://www.justinbiebersupraskytopshoes.com/supra-skytop-c-865.html
Posted by Anonymous, 01/05/13, 04:35pm | | To the world you will be one person, unfortunately one human being you will be the world.
http://www.destockchinefr.fr/nike-shox-pas-cher/nike-shox-nz-2-pas-cher/ http://www.destockchinefr.fr/nike-shox-pas-cher/nike-shox-nz-2-pas-cher/
Posted by Anonymous, 01/12/13, 09:31pm | | find miumiu,chloe,prada ,Following a few latest visits here, even so, is becoming more and more chic. ??? ?? http://www.prada-rakuten.jp/
Posted by Anonymous, 02/06/13, 03:56am | | I favor happened simply because of what you are, but nonetheless , simply because of who So i am as i am against you. tt6262.com http://tt6262.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 03/03/13, 08:40pm | | Where by there exists union without the need for romance, you'll see romance without the need for union. Jordan Retro 3 http://www.jordanretro3air.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 03/06/13, 01:09pm | | Even if you are going to learn how to technique from an enemy, determine the application not to ever friends. coach outlet online shopping http://www.coachfactoryoutlet44.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 04/07/13, 02:47pm | | According to Reuters, a study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research in 2011 found that "The more aggressively a bank lobbied before the financial crisis, the worse its loans performed during the economic downturn -- and the more bailout dollars it received". Now, despite its former status as the basket case of Wall Street, Citigroup and its hired guns are welcome on Capitol Hill, weighing in on and even drafting bills -- like one the House committee signed off on earlier this month, exempting several classes of derivatives from a rule intended to prevent government insurance from backstopping risky trades.I won't dispute for one second the problems of a system that demands immense amount of fund-raisers by its legislators," said Representative Jim Himes, a third-term Democrat of Connecticut, who supported the recent industry-backed bills and leads the party's fund-raising efforts in the House. A member of the Financial Services Committee and a former banker at Goldman Sachs, he is one of the top recipients of Wall Street donations. "It's appalling, it's disgusting, it's wasteful and it opens the possibility of conflicts of interest and corruption. It's unfortunately the world we live in." red bottom shoes for men
Posted by Anonymous, 05/28/13, 11:47am | | While visiting family and friends in Amman, Jordan last week after being away for over two years, I was constantly being asked about my observations on Amman, and whether it had changed since I was last there in October 2010.During the first couple of days, I would usually respond saying I noticed more traffic, and new construction here and there. A few days into my visit, things got clearer (I'm blaming the jetlag for my delayed observation). I noticed a change, a big one. Somehow, politically-divided Ammanites were united on one issue: Syrians.Last time I visited Jordan, the annoying term the "Arab Spring" was not even coined. So, fast forward two years, I would have expected to see change along these lines, but what I saw instead was not youth marching in the streets asking for reform (to the dismay of many D.C. think tanks), but rather Jordanian citizens who are increasingly becoming concerned about the influx of refugees from their war-ravaged next door neighbor.Citigroup was the megabank that received the most taxpayer assistance during the financial crisis, a fact perhaps related to the very same lobbying practices now being used to rein in regulation christian louboutin heels
Posted by Anonymous, 05/28/13, 11:48am | | According to Reuters, a study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research in 2011 found that "The more aggressively a bank lobbied before the financial crisis, the worse its loans performed during the economic downturn -- and the more bailout dollars it received". Now, despite its former status as the basket case of Wall Street, Citigroup and its hired guns are welcome on Capitol Hill, weighing in on and even drafting bills -- like one the House committee signed off on earlier this month, exempting several classes of derivatives from a rule intended to prevent government insurance from backstopping risky trades.I won't dispute for one second the problems of a system that demands immense amount of fund-raisers by its legislators," said Representative Jim Himes, a third-term Democrat of Connecticut, who supported the recent industry-backed bills and leads the party's fund-raising efforts in the House. A member of the Financial Services Committee and a former banker at Goldman Sachs, he is one of the top recipients of Wall Street donations. "It's appalling, it's disgusting, it's wasteful and it opens the possibility of conflicts of interest and corruption. It's unfortunately the world we live in." christian louboutin wedding shoes
Posted by Anonymous, 05/28/13, 11:48am | | According to Reuters, a study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research in 2011 found that "The more aggressively a bank lobbied before the financial crisis, the worse its loans performed during the economic downturn -- and the more bailout dollars it received". Now, despite its former status as the basket case of Wall Street, Citigroup and its hired guns are welcome on Capitol Hill, weighing in on and even drafting bills -- like one the House committee signed off on earlier this month, exempting several classes of derivatives from a rule intended to prevent government insurance from backstopping risky trades.I won't dispute for one second the problems of a system that demands immense amount of fund-raisers by its legislators," said Representative Jim Himes, a third-term Democrat of Connecticut, who supported the recent industry-backed bills and leads the party's fund-raising efforts in the House. A member of the Financial Services Committee and a former banker at Goldman Sachs, he is one of the top recipients of Wall Street donations. "It's appalling, it's disgusting, it's wasteful and it opens the possibility of conflicts of interest and corruption. It's unfortunately the world we live in." christian louboutin outlet uk
Posted by Anonymous, 05/28/13, 11:48am | | According to Reuters, a study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research in 2011 found that "The more aggressively a bank lobbied before the financial crisis, the worse its loans performed during the economic downturn -- and the more bailout dollars it received". Now, despite its former status as the basket case of Wall Street, Citigroup and its hired guns are welcome on Capitol Hill, weighing in on and even drafting bills -- like one the House committee signed off on earlier this month, exempting several classes of derivatives from a rule intended to prevent government insurance from backstopping risky trades.I won't dispute for one second the problems of a system that demands immense amount of fund-raisers by its legislators," said Representative Jim Himes, a third-term Democrat of Connecticut, who supported the recent industry-backed bills and leads the party's fund-raising efforts in the House. A member of the Financial Services Committee and a former banker at Goldman Sachs, he is one of the top recipients of Wall Street donations. "It's appalling, it's disgusting, it's wasteful and it opens the possibility of conflicts of interest and corruption. It's unfortunately the world we live in." michael kors hamilton tote
Posted by Anonymous, 05/28/13, 11:48am | | While visiting family and friends in Amman, Jordan last week after being away for over two years, I was constantly being asked about my observations on Amman, and whether it had changed since I was last there in October 2010.During the first couple of days, I would usually respond saying I noticed more traffic, and new construction here and there. A few days into my visit, things got clearer (I'm blaming the jetlag for my delayed observation). I noticed a change, a big one. Somehow, politically-divided Ammanites were united on one issue: Syrians.Last time I visited Jordan, the annoying term the "Arab Spring" was not even coined. So, fast forward two years, I would have expected to see change along these lines, but what I saw instead was not youth marching in the streets asking for reform (to the dismay of many D.C. think tanks), but rather Jordanian citizens who are increasingly becoming concerned about the influx of refugees from their war-ravaged next door neighbor.Citigroup was the megabank that received the most taxpayer assistance during the financial crisis, a fact perhaps related to the very same lobbying practices now being used to rein in regulation michael kors crossbody
Posted by Anonymous, 05/28/13, 11:48am | | While visiting family and friends in Amman, Jordan last week after being away for over two years, I was constantly being asked about my observations on Amman, and whether it had changed since I was last there in October 2010.During the first couple of days, I would usually respond saying I noticed more traffic, and new construction here and there. A few days into my visit, things got clearer (I'm blaming the jetlag for my delayed observation). I noticed a change, a big one. Somehow, politically-divided Ammanites were united on one issue: Syrians.Last time I visited Jordan, the annoying term the "Arab Spring" was not even coined. So, fast forward two years, I would have expected to see change along these lines, but what I saw instead was not youth marching in the streets asking for reform (to the dismay of many D.C. think tanks), but rather Jordanian citizens who are increasingly becoming concerned about the influx of refugees from their war-ravaged next door neighbor.Citigroup was the megabank that received the most taxpayer assistance during the financial crisis, a fact perhaps related to the very same lobbying practices now being used to rein in regulation red sole shoes
Posted by Anonymous, 05/28/13, 11:48am | | I’ll apply this idea…… It can be fun! pull ralph lauren http://pullralphlauren.webs.com
Posted by Anonymous, 06/06/13, 06:08pm | | Your web site is really useful. Many thanks for sharing. Ray Ban aviator http://lunettesde-soleilpascher.blogspot.com/
Posted by Anonymous, 06/16/13, 12:34pm |
|
|
|
