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| | Perhaps it’s a question that shouldn’t be asked in mixed company.
Perhaps this is just one of those dark secrets that’s better left unspoken in the deep recesses of our conscience. Maybe it’s a topic reserved for our therapist’s couch, or Oprah’s. Maybe it should only be disclosed in a late-life, tell-all autobiography so as not to humiliate our family and friends.
But I just have to know anyway.
Just who is calling the turkey hotline on Thanksgiving?
Seriously. It’s turkey. Of all the Thanksgiving meal components, it’s probably the easiest to cook. Oven. Meat thermometer. You’re kind of good to go after that. It’s all of the other trimmings that can get a bit complicated.
Forgive me if I fail to see the potential tragedy in poultry. I fully admit that I love Thanksgiving. Love. It. I love preparing, cooking, and gathering the family around a beautiful table with a main course that costs 79 cents per pound. I think a national day of Thanks is one of the most wonderful things we celebrate. So perhaps I am missing some culinary element, but what exactly would cause one (presumably an adult who has used a toaster before) to pick up a telephone and call a perfect stranger to ask what temperature to turn the oven on?
Maybe I could understand if there was a cranberry hotline. Someone to call for support if you hear that sickening schloppp sound of a can of cranberry gelatin being placed on a plate still in the shape of said can. Or a mashed potato helpline to consult when you accidentally clog the sink with peels. Even more helpful would be telephone advice on gravy thickening, thinning, and then re-thickening.
But turkey?
Doesn’t it make you wonder what could possibly be discussed on a dedicated 800 line with the assurance of anonymity that one could not speak of freely to a grandmother, aunt or Butterball label?
1-800-TurkeysgoneWild: Happy Thanksgiving, what’s your emergency?
Suburban Diva: I’ve got a turkey. In a roasting pan. I have guests coming in six hours. I have no idea what to do.
Operator: Okay. Try to remain calm. What does your oven temperature read right now?
SD: (Hyperventilating.) 325. But there’s a basting device on the counter. It’s shiny.
Operator: Don’t pick up any sharp instruments! Baby steps, SD. Can I call you SD? I need you to stay focused. Now, open the oven door. Slowly.
SD: (Screams in panic.) That big thing in the kitchen? Push or pull?
Operator: I know you’re scared--it’s understandable. It’s a national holiday. But just try to pull it open.
SD: (After some effort.) Okay, it’s open! I can see the light!
Operator: Great, you’re almost there, SD. Now, place the turkey pan in the oven. (Adding because he’s an expert) Facing up.
SD: You’re sure?
Operator: I’m sure. I’ve done this a million times. You’re going to be fine.
SD: (Triumphant) It’s in!
Operator: Congratulations. Now, don’t stop now. We’re almost there. Close the oven door.
SD: (Deep breath.) Hold me.
So here’s to a safe and happy Thanksgiving where the only phone calls you make are to your Aunt Matilda and your bookie.
Happy Thanksgiving!
©2008 Tracey Henry
Divamail me!
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 | I could have used the hotline the first time I made Thanksgiving diner. When we carved the turkey I discovered that it was NOT pre-stuffed as I originally thought. "Oh, there are the gibblets!" was heard as we pulled out the bag of "stuffing"!!
Posted by Anonymous, 11/20/08, 10:35pm | | Ha! I did it too--I got the first bag but didn't realize there was stuff stuffed elsewhere...
Posted by Subdiva, 11/21/08, 01:14am | | Am I the only 49 year old wife and mother who has NEVER cooked a turkey, and hope to never have to? I'll cook for any holiday, but not Thanksgiving!
Posted by Terry, 11/21/08, 06:06pm | | The first year I cooked a turkey in our new home I discovered that the 14 lb. bird (NOT large) wouldn't even fit in the oven. I figured the Turkey Hotline couldn't help with that.
| | Aunt Matila is here in Germany providing guidance and supervision for Holiday Turkey roasting to the troops. Miss you all and wish I were there to bring the homemade cranberry sauce.
And as they say in Italy. Don't forget to "taw" the turkey first!
Love,
Aunt M
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