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He began announcing projects that he was going to complete in the coming weeks. These ranged from fixing a squeaky door to rewiring the power grid for central Florida. He allotted the same amount of time and money for each.
He decided to begin Saturday morning with the simple task of fixing the doorbell. (It had been broken since the last time he attempted to "fix" it--by hanging live wires from the front door and listening to the cries of electrocution to alert us to a visitor.) After 3 trips to different hardware stores, 4 power outages and 1 tube of Neosporin, he had indeed successfully installed a new doorbell by nightfall on Sunday. When you pushed the little button on the outside of our front door, a sound inside notified us of a guest.
The problem is that the "chimes" are not chimes at all, but an electric orchestra of 30 tunes that play their songs randomly in a tinny timbre that is akin to the draining batteries of a Tickle Me Elmo. (If Elmo laughed to the tune of "When the Saints Come Marching In.")
I have no idea when "Yankee Doodle Dandy" plays whether the mailman is here or my cell phone is ringing. At "Oh! Susanna" am I supposed to be getting a delivery of flowers, or taking something from the oven? The dog no longer barks at the doorbell, she howls a capella. Apparently, when the Bear Went over the Mountain, it was to fix my cable. My daughter thinks the Ice Cream Man is really, really close. And God help the poor neighbor looking to borrow a cup of sugar if they select "The Star Spangled Banner." The whole family has to stand at attention until it's over.
This is exactly why his home improvements do little to improve anything but Ron Popeil's gross annual income. He loves his gadgetry so much, but he's a George Jetson in Fred Flintstone house. He leaves for work, and then I get serenaded for 14 hours straight by a monkey with an organ grinder with a penchant for show tunes. It's as if I have carolers 365 days a year who only know Osmond Brother songs.
I'd like to tell you about next weekend's planned project retiling the bathroom, but by the sound of the current front door soundtrack, either it's the pizza guy or the 7th inning stretch. |
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 | Too funny! I can just see Sean doing his home projects. Thanks for a great article.
| | I am at Home Depot now
Can you go measure the shower again? I think I can fit the steam generator in there to create the sauna, but I may have to blow out the wall a little.
| | Always funny, but SD Husband articles are particularly hysterical.
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