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| | The lighter side of the picket fence | |
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| | Good Sport |
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| | My husband believes that anything you could possibly need or want in life can be purchased at Dick's Sporting Goods.
No matter the occasion or the specific need, this is his store of choice. For Mother's Day this year, I got some pulleys, anchors and crampons.
Last weekend he said he needed new athletic shoes, and so of course we all knew where we would be headed for said footwear. When we all got to the store, I decided to take advantage of the fact that Dick's is connected to the Mall--a plethora of stores of which items other than snow skis and beer koozies can be purchased--and suggest we continue shopping there when we were through.
HIM: But we are in a store right now.
ME: Yes, but I'd like to shop for other things.
HIM: (Genuinely perplexed.) Like what??
ME: Well, I need to get a new bathing suit.
HIM: (Excited.) Look right here! There's a whole rack of swim suits!
ME: Yes, well I'm not entering the 400 Meter Freestyle, so I really don't need the neoprene and fins. Can't we just go to the department store? I mean, I'll go, and you can just meet me.
HIM: (Flopping down on a replica baseball stadium chair.) I wouldn't even know where to find the department store.
ME: I know Mall physics confuses you. Why you suffer from this phenomenon when everything is laid out in a straight line, I'll never know, but just walk out the door and follow the scent of the Estee Lauder counter. You'll find it.
HIM: Is that north or south?
ME: (Becoming more exasperated by his self-affliction.) If you can figure out the nautical mileage, you can find freaking Macy's. (Taking the Wilson football that he's throwing up and down.) Seriously, where did you shop as a kid? Those funhouse Malls with the crazy false walls and curved hallways? Was Cinnabon in the center of a circular corn maze? I really have no idea why you can't find your way through a square building.
HIM: Fine. Promise me just the bathing suit and we can leave.
ME: I also need stemware and a birthday present.
HIM: (Turning like a "Price Is Right" model.) Look! Here are insulated mugs! They even have the Giants logo on them!
ME: They're 96 ounces.
HIM: Less refilling--it's a win-win. Who do you need a birthday present for?
ME: (Flatly.) My grandmother.
HIM: (Frantically searching.) Here, she likes games. This is perfect.
ME: Honey, she plays Canasta, not NBA Monopoly.
HIM: You're right. Perhaps a gift card would be more appropriate.
ME: Sure, so she can get that lacrosse stick she's had her eye on.
And this is the moment when I realize that some things will never change. After 16+ years of marriage I am doomed to anniversary presents of team logo jewelry and foam fingers. And that's okay. At least I know we're on the same team--we just shop differently for the equipment.
ME: Okay, I'll tell you what--you wait here, and I'll go shopping and meet you back here in 45 minutes.
HIM: (A satisfied smile creeps over his face.) Perfect. Take your time. I'll even pick up something for dinner. (Visibly salivating.) I see they've got beef jerky and freeze dried rations on sale over in camping… |
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 | It must be the difference between hunting and gathering. It's unquestionably gender-related, hereditary and hard-wired.
Posted by Bill, 05/30/08, 03:10pm | | LOL!!!! This is why I don't accompany my husband to the mall. ;-)
| | I don't understand the column
| | This is why my husband has NEVER been shopping with me in 15 years of marriage.
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