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| | The lighter side of the picket fence | |
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| | Diva Screenplay |
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| | This is the screenplay of my life 3 weeks after giving birth to our fourth child, and adjusting and re-adjusting to all of the changes.
Scene 1--New furniture delivery
Because we have run out of room in every corner of the house, the need for more furniture--or more places to hide toys--is evident. This means, however, that re-organizing our home has been an ongoing, never-ending project.
7:35 a.m. (Delivery window is from 8-1, and for the first time in recorded world history they are actually early--only because I'm not ready yet.)
Delivery Man: (Staring intently at me.) Okay, ma'am, we're all set. We've assembled all of the furniture and removed the old stuff. I also took the liberty of throwing away the petrified pop-tarts under the dresser. (Still staring.)
SubDiva: (Mildly flattered at the attention.) Oh, thanks. I hope you left the old popcorn kernels, I leave them as a trail so I can find the boys' shoes under the bed.
Delivery Man: Continues staring. Eyes and mouth slightly agape.
SubDiva: (Beginning to think I must look extra hot this morning sporting a Mickey Mouse terry-cloth bathrobe with a baby spit-up necklace.) I'm kidding. Sort of.
Delivery Man: (Can't seem to avert his eyes.) Yes, well, ahem..If you could just please sign right here, we'll be on our way.
SubDiva: Yes, of course. Can I sign in crayon, because that's all I can find…
Delivery Man: Sure. (He must be absolutely mesmerized by my stunning beauty.) I hope I don't seem too forward, but…
SubDiva: I'm a married woman.
Delivery Man: No, I just wanted to tell you that you have something green hanging from your hair. I think it's a marshmallow clover from a box of Lucky Charms.
SubDiva: (Recovering seamlessly by removing cereal like I knew it was there the entire time.) Yes, well of course. It goes with the blue diamonds and yellow moons stuck to my thigh…
Scene II –Even the transportation changes
Later that same day, my husband and I are switching cars because I can longer fit all of the kids in mine at once. He is a little reluctant to give me his pristine machine in exchange for the Roach Coach.
SD: I still can't believe I can't fit everyone into my 7 passenger SUV.
SubDiva's Husband: Well, maybe if you cleaned it out once a year, you wouldn't have to leave one of the kids behind every trip…
SD: Very funny. I'll have you know that I think there is a coupon for $5 off an oil change on one of those old soda cans back there--I'm being frugal.
SDH: Of course you are. Now, there are some things you should know about my car before you drive it.
SD: (Looking up at the tank in the driveway.) Like what is the clearance height for overpasses? Seriously, this thing is huge! I don't know if I can reach the pedals…I'll have to wear high heels…pass me one of those shoeboxes I've stacked to make Toddler Diva's booster seat.
SDH: Don't worry, you'll be fine. You may want to practice parking a few times before you go to the store while you get used to it. (Extracts one of the 17 DVD's stuck to the leather seat with juice box shellac.) On second thought, just park as far away as you can from everyone. In a remote lot. On an angle. With road flares.
SD: Oh, quit worrying. We've got insurance.
SDH: That is the kind of thing you say that scares the hell out of me.
SD: Boo. Well at least your cup holders look big enough to hold a margarita glass…
Scene III--Baseball
A conversation with eldest son regarding covering all of our bases. Literally.
Son: Mom, did you know it was our turn to do concession stand duty at the fields tonight?
SD: (Sheepishly.) Yes.
Son: But Dad was watching my game and you were here watching the kids.
SD: Yes, but it was covered, right?
Son: Dad paid a neighbor kid to do it, didn't he?
SD: We said it was your older brother. No one can keep track of how many kids we have now anyway…
Scene IV--The Birthday Party
In our last scene, we are hosting our son's 7th birthday party with 26 of his closest friends. Neither one of us can find a rope, string, nor twine to hoist the piñata in the chaos of the house, and the dog leash that we just tried has torn open the top. So in his infinite wisdom and exhaustion, my husband decides to just hold it, while a myriad of sugar-infused first graders with the spider strength of Albert Pujols and remarkable vision considering their blindfolds, take aim while he ducks and covers under the swing set. All are rendered speechless, so there is no dialogue, only the accompanying soundtrack of disbelieving laughter and circus music. Or a funeral march.
And these scenes pretty much sum up how I see parenting these days: Asking (or paying) for help when you need it, driving each other crazy in any kind of car, and laughing hysterically while dodging the blows that come from all directions.
But most importantly, still looking magically delicious while doing it.
©2007 Tracey Henry
Divamail me! Divamail@Suburbandiva.com
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