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| | As seen in the New York Times (no, I'm not kidding) | |
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| | Dear Mr. Timenow Miller, |
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In my various inboxes, I get my fair share of spam, junk mail, and some things I don’t even know what category they belong to as they are written in Vedic Sanskrit. It seems my different accounts vary greatly on the levels to which they allow things to pass, and so it is always a veritable circus for the delete button every morning.
I have one account that not only does not have any spam filter whatsoever, but it seems to draw from every bulk folder from the universe to deliver the most bizarre offerings the underworld has to offer. As a seasoned Internet user, I never open such garbage, but the names and subject lines sometimes impress me beyond mere words. The creative mind that comes up with the algorithms of nomenclature to defy the computer-generated blockers so that I can see hot stock tips or buy misspelled prescriptions at a discount are pure genius in their own, unique e-Rite.
Why just today I got several emails from my friends, Mahesh Jaramillo, Schmitt Ferdy, Horace Boxcutter and Pursuit V. Botany. These names suggest such colorful personalities, exotic histories, or at the very least a keen observation of the surroundings around the antiquated desktop in their mother’s basement.
If I didn’t think it was like feeding a stray cat, I’d answer one of these colorful characters representing a plethora of software or peddlers of online degrees. “Druidmeister” has a question from eBay for me, and if I was actually listing a digital camera there, I just might answer it for pure sport.
But for PC security reasons, I thought I just might answer here, in an open letter to my friend, Pursuit V. Botany, hoping since he emails me so frequently, that he’ll see my response.
Dear Mr. Botany;
I want to thank you for your diligent correspondence. Your attentiveness is quite flattering.
I have to wonder about you, Mr. Botany. I sense that since you spend such a great deal of time and effort looking after total strangers’ health with your generous offers of discounted drugs and medicines, that you must be a health advocate of some sort. Your name suggests an appreciation for the sciences; perhaps you represent the World Health Organization? And with such low prices, you surely must be a philanthropist at least.
And speaking of this charity, just how do you offer your product at such deep discounts? I can only surmise from the subject lines that perhaps since the labels are horribly misspelled, that is the reason you are able to offer them at less than retail and without a prescription.
With such a distinguished name, you must come from an eccentric family. They must have instilled this great responsibility for a disease-free society. Why, Jonas Salk probably hasn’t prevented as many communicable illnesses as you have in one day of your aggressive email campaigns!
But alas, I must turn down your generous offer. Being of the female gender, erectile dysfunction is not something I neither suffer from currently nor anticipate in the near future. But to show my appreciation for your heartfelt concern, I am forwarding you the following email from another friend, Octavio G. Handprint, which clearly states that I am the winner of a European lottery for millions of Euros to which I will designate you as the lucky recipient instead.
I just need to confirm your PayPal account number and password.
With Deep Regards,
Suburban Diva.
© 2006 Tracey Henry
Divamail me something other than lotteries or porn. Divamail@SuburbanDiva.com.
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