Readers in search of entertainment during the week between Christmas and New Year’s will no doubt find many “Best and Worst of 2006” lists featuring the news highlights of the year in which they can agree with or not. Although it is quite tempting to compose such a list—who wouldn’t want to comment on the vice president shooting his friend in the face or offer another public plea to Britney to implement undergarment use again—I will hold off and present only one lowlight of 2006; fitting that it occurred during the waning days of the year as it encapsulates many a TomKat wedding and Lindsay Lohan text message.

Last week, America was supposed to be shocked and appalled at the revelations that Miss USA indulged in alcohol to excess. Other contestants of the pageant were then exposed as “party girls” and even M.A.D.D. dropped Miss Teen USA as its official spokesperson. Miss USA was allowed to retain her crown if she entered a rehab program, as ordained by pageant owner and pop culture moralist, Donald Trump. Unfortunately, there were no second chances for Miss Nevada who was de-crowned when some racy photographs of her posing drunk for a bar cam at age 17 were posted across the Internet.

The shame! The shock! The drama! The absolute collective waste of time! Why can’t these teenaged girls stop acting like teenaged girls and start posing like the underage peddlers of suntan lotion and Turtle Wax we judged them to be at a State Fair blue ribbon contest in Las Vegas?!

I know we are supposed to pretend that the “Miss USA” pageant is a “scholarship program” or something about advancing the goals of women and not a beauty contest. This is perfectly clear from the bathing suit competition of the program and that its ratings mirror those of the National Spelling Bee Competition. I understand that we need this self-delusional notion to make it okay to nationally televise women parading around in bikini’s and then score them accordingly; much like we say Hooter’s has good chicken wings and the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, has something to do with sports. But to pretend that the drinking and partying antics of a bunch of young, spoiled, pretty girls is a national scandal rather than anything loftier than fodder for a slow news day at The Star is both crazy and insulting.

The pageant has de-crowned the representative from the state of Nevada. The only state in our union which has legalized prostitution and makes 35% of its tax revenue from gambling. I hardly think that the fine citizens of the Silver State take much serious offense to their beauty queen exposing her thong in a photo.

It boggles my mind that so much national attention has been paid to this story. Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell—arguably the two most qualified candidates to lead this debate into bowels of tabloid TV (although it would be better if we could get Paris Hilton to weigh in on the matter)—have a heated insult exchange going over it, and flipping through the channels I even saw Fox News with a panel of expert time-wasters and air time fillers discussing it. What is it that we think Miss USA cannot do now that it has been revealed that she was caught inebriated in her past? What exactly are those elusive “responsibilities” that she will no longer be able to fulfill? What can we no longer entrust to her? Will she fail to wave at parades properly? Make an uneven cut on the ribbon to the Scranton Subway Grand Opening?

I suppose one could argue that Miss Nevada did indeed commit a crime—drinking under legal age. But since her Blood Alcohol Level isn’t plastered across her chest like her measurements or the judges score after she’s walked the catwalk, I guess we’ll never know for certain.

As far as I can tell, the only thing Miss Nevada is guilty of is poor taste. And if that is an offense we suddenly impeach the queen over, than our prisons and Miss Manners columns are about to get filled up with many MTV executives and the collective audience to the movie, “Borat.”

And so my personal wish for 2007 is maybe to lighten up a little on the empty protests of wannabe celebrity examples of poor education and focus more on the causes that really matter.

And also perhaps that we stop looking for the ideal American woman on a stage in Atlantic City, because she’s much closer in your own backyard.

©2006 Tracey Henry

Happy New Year! Best Wishes for a peaceful, joyous and prosperous 2007. Divamail me at Divamail@Suburbandiva.com.