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| | The lighter side of the picket fence | |
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| | Ho Ho Homeowner's Association |
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| | The pretend and unofficial minutes for our recent Homeowner's Association meeting.
HOA President: There is only one item on the agenda for the month of December, so I'd like to get right to it. An appeal from the Diva family for several exceptions to the neighborhood guidelines for holiday decorations for the month of December.
Suburban Diva: Actually, we'd like to extend the grace period to April because you all know I won’t get them all down until then.
Nervous shuffling.
SD: My first request is the Board's permission to tie our light display into the main neighborhood electrical board. I am really not confident that our individual meter can handle the "Christmas on the Vegas strip" lighting theme we have planned.
President: Request denied. I'm not even sure that’s legal.
SD: Indignant. Well, will you at least change out all the street lights on the main street to red and green bulbs? No? OK, I'll move on to the next item: I will need a temporary occupancy permit for an additional 24 people on my property.
President: Oh, are you having extended family in for the holidays?
SD: No, they're elves for the North Pole scene in the front yard.
President: Elves!? As in dwarfs?
SD: (Sigh) I believe the politically correct term is "Little people," Mr. President.
President: No.
SD: I suppose this also applies to the 12 Lords a Leaping and 11 Pipers Piping, too?
President: Next item, please.
SD: Fine, since you are such a Scrooge, perhaps you'll be more receptive to my livery request for the horses for the Dickens's Christmas interpretive dance show on the patio?
President: Ms. Diva, do you have any practical requests for this board to consider?
SD: Well, only if your definition of "practical" includes a mandatory community curfew and blackout curtains for optimal viewing of the fiber optics festival that will be my driveway. Quickly scanning list. I don't suppose you would consider changing all of our "pedestrian crossing" signs with "Reindeer Crossing?"
President: I think that's an item for the city council to consider.
SD: Don't you even want to take a motion on that? Never mind, the temperature of this board is about the same as the North Pole right now. How about freezing the retention pond for ice skating?
President: I believe the Fish and Wildlife bureau prevents us from doing that for alligator health and safety, but I'd have to consult the HOA attorney on the matter.
SD: What about the pool at the community center, then?
President: Ms. Diva, if that's all you have, I think the Board is ready to take a straw poll vote to determine if a real vote should be taken.
SD: Wait! Before you do, do you at least think you could consider adding "Holly berry" or "Pfeffernusse" to the approved color palate for the Modifications committee?
President: I think we're done here.
SD: Packing up schematics and slideshow presentation. You can at least allow me a flag or seven on my mailbox.
President: Then you can expect to find a violations notice in it.
SD: Scornfully. And you won't be finding a Christmas card in yours. You are so off of my list.
President: You can always submit Guideline change proposals to the Board in 2012…
SD: Shouting as she is forcibly removed. Mark my words, my grandchildren will be roasting chestnuts in the guard shack turned Christmas goose smokehouse someday!
Happy Holidays from our deed restricted home to yours.
©2006 Tracey Henry |
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