Blockbuster or Bust

I’ve had a hate-hate relationship with renting movies even before there was a Buster on every Block.

First off, I am not a huge movie buff. Sure, I like a good film every once in a while, and there are even some I'll watch a second time. But for the most part, it’s not my favorite Saturday night pastime. It’s not even my favorite Tuesday morning activity, but I understand I am in the minority on this. Even in my own house.

We rent a lot of movies. Rent them, and usually watch them sitting in their indistinguishable cases on the coffee table for a week before we return them and pay late fees on them.

In the early days of video rentals, I remember memberships that actually cost money to obtain, and you had to go through an approval process that resembled a mortgage application. I suppose that is apropos considering we couldn’t get approved for our first house until we returned, The Money Pit. I guess anyone who would rent that movie in the first place should be considered a severe credit risk.

However, I could never get past the indignity of having the store clerk call with the same threatening and insulting tone as a bail bondsman accusing me of stiffing him or pilfering his grandmother’s social security check.

So we got cable. We went for the top of the line, "Hermit Package" : 179 movie channels and a set of glass jars for storing your own urine. This satiated us for a little while until we calculated that we were spending 200 bucks a month to watch Joe Versus the Volcano, merely in 7 different time zones. At this point, it would have been more economical to retain Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan to perform live on the front porch.

When Blockbuster came out with their new policy of "Never Pay Late Fees!" I thought I had won the lottery. Literally, because I knew it was equivalent to getting a $50 per week raise. I really didn't understand the mechanics of this apparent windfall because usually, I just pull up to the drop box in the dark of night with a trench coat to return movies that are 3 months overdue. The last time I physically entered a video store was 1997 when I was extradited across state lines to return The Little Mermaid.

So I didn't realize right away that "Never pay late fees!" was code for, "Well of course you are going to pay a fine, we just won’t call it ’late’ because we make you buy the movie that you never watched in the first place at an amazingly inflated cost and to make you feel better, we’re not going to call you, but just charge your credit card 60 bucks every week because we can." It took me a little while to break that particular DaVinci code, and I have to say, I am not buying that new philosophy. But what I am buying is a whole lot of used movies.

And now as the summer blockbusters are rolled out into the theaters, I find myself uncharacteristically rushing my family to the movies every weekend to pay 10 bucks a ticket and drop a 50-spot at the concession stand.

Because I just can’t afford to wait until it comes out on video.

© 2006 Tracey Henry